PARENTING TIPS FROM A SURVIVOR - 2

Part 2: SELF-CONTROL: It is Caught More than Taught.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 (HCSB)

Perhaps the greatest thing that a parent can do for his or her children is to say no. Children may not like to hear that word, but they soon learn, one of the ways parents communicate love is by saying “no”.  It is the primary task of each and every parent to protect their children from harm.  The danger may be perceived or unperceived.  It may be immediate or potential.  Regardless of the details, it’s the parent’s job to protect their children from others, other things, even themselves.

This is where self-control comes into the picture. Lack of self-control will place our children into a multitude of immediate and delayed dangers. The obvious dangers involve things like financial harm, poor health, over (or under) weight, chemical abuse, harmful relationships, and a long list of addictions. 

God does the same thing in our lives.  He says “no” to lots of things we think are ok or even good for us. For example, we apply for a new job or position.  To us this might seem like the right thing to do, but God closes the door.  Maybe we decide to purchase a car.  The price is right, the vehicle is in good shape, there is no Biblical reason preventing us from this deal.  Again, God says no, we don’t know why, but He does.  Sometimes He will tell us later why He said no, sometimes He never tells us. 

Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has actually resulted in the advancement of the gospel, Philippians 1:12 (HCSB)

Wise parents are always trying to teach their children when to say no, but in truth the lessons of self-control must begin with the parents.  When parents demonstrate the ability to say no to their own wants, they communicate the value of self-control to their children.  If children are to learn to understand restraint, then parents need to prove that they can and will say no to immediate gratification. 

Remember:
The values parents demonstrate are the values that will be caught and developed in the lives of their children. Self-control is not limited to fits of anger.  It includes our language, our passions, our priorities, and our purchases. Children will imitate their parents in how they treat people, the church, and God. 

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with goodness, goodness with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. 2 Peter 1:5-7 (HCSB)

PARENTING TIPS FROM A SURVIVOR

Part 1: IMITATION: Be An Good Example

An old experienced college professor once taught me that as a football coach, “It is never an excuse to say, 'I told him!'”  What am I trying to illustrate? Telling children to develop or not to develop certain behaviors is a waste of good air (as a SCUBA diver, I value air very much).

If we want our children to become good citizens and devoted Christians, we have to do more than just tell. The biblical model for parenting doesn’t focus on what we are to “tell our children” but rather it focuses on what we are to “teach our children.”(see: Dt 4:9;  Dt 11:19; Ps 34:11; Ps 78:5).

Teaching involves several steps.  The first step is demonstrating a desired behavior or value.  Secondly, it involves getting the student to imitate that action.  Then as the student performs the action, the teacher encourages, corrects, and compliments the student's performance.  In simpler words, parents demonstrate and get children to imitate.

Here is a good definition I learned from another wise college professor, “Learning takes place when reflective thinking is present and improved behavior is forthcoming.” It is the job of a parent to guide our children to reflect on their actions and evaluate outcomes. 

Children are programed to be imitators and their preference is to imitate their parents (see: Ephesians 5:1).  There is no choice here.  Parents will either be a positive role model or a negative role model, but either way, they will be role models. Lets embrace the office of role model that has been given to us and be positive examples of what good parenting should be!

Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk—not as unwise people but as wise. Ephesians 5:15 (HCSB)

Parents are to live out our lives as an example to follow.  The old “do as I say, not as I do” approach simply will not work.  As parents (note parents, not “best friends”) we need to interact with our children by correcting, encouraging, acknowledging or praising their actions(whichever is appropriate).  Basically, if we want our children to attend church, to volunteer, to be polite, to be obedient, to be safe drivers, etc., then WE HAVE TO BE THOSE THINGS FIRST!           

Set an example of good works yourself, with integrity and dignity in your teaching. Titus 2:7 (HCSB)

Children need our encouragement if they are to meet the challenges of life and mature into healthy Christian adults.

FIVE WAYS TO BE A BETTER FATHER

There is a crisis in our culture! A crisis that has been created by and can only be cured by men. 
Many of the problems we have in our society can be directly attributed to the failure of men to live a life worthy of imitation.  Too many biological fathers are absent from the lives of their children. There are those who pay support and maintain some level of interaction with their children, but only to the point where it is convenient for the father.  Selfishness rules in the lives of many of us (both male and female).

In recent years, (actually beginning in the 90's with “Beavis and Butthead”), the trend in television has been to portray parents as idiots and children as the most together members of a family (as evidenced by “The Simpsons”, “Married with Children” and “Family Guy” among others).  

The unity of the American family, those morals and values learned in family dynamics are foundational to the strength of our nation.  Many men understand the importance of family and the critical role a father plays in a family as a role model.  I especially admire those step-dads who are willing to step up and take on that daunting task.

1. LOVE YOUR WIFE PASSIONATELY . 
The way a man treats his wife has a direct bearing on how his son will treat his future wife and the way a daughter will expect to be treated by her future husband. Men need to let their children see them demonstrating respect and love to their wife and mother of their children. 

Also, keep children out of the battle when conflicts arise.  At the same time allow them to see their parents make up.  There is nothing wrong with kisses in the kitchen as long as it remains rated G. 

2.  MAKE FAMILY A PRIORITY
Children measure their value by the amount of time and attention their parents spend with them.
Our employers can be demanding and in today’s economy employment opportunities are limited. 
The more demanding a job becomes, the higher priority we need to place on spending time with my family. Our schedules don’t lie.  The things that I think are important are the things I spend the most time doing. Plan to spend time with your children. Pay the price to be at their performance or game. 

I mentioned in the opening paragraph that selfishness has become epidemic in our society.  It is this area, making my family a priority, where selfishness attacks the most.  We are physically tired at the end of our week.  We are mentally drained each evening.  It’s hard to pay the appropriate amount of attention to our spouse and children.  To win against the “selfishness monster” we need to place a higher priority on family activities than on me.  As a person with two adult children I can attest there is plenty of time for me now that they are gone.  Unfortunately, it’s time with them I desire.


3.  DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN.
Discipline is one of the ways a father can communicate his love to his children.  Here is what the Bible has to say about discipline and love:

for the Lord disciplines the one He loves, just as a father, the son he delights in. Proverbs 3:12 (HCSB)

and

for the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and punishes every son whom He receives. Hebrews 12:6 (HCSB)

Discipline doesn’t have to involve physical pain, but it does have to demonstrate consequences to disobedience.  The best discipline will involve character development.  It is unwise to discipline a child out of anger. Take time to reflect on the offense and an appropriate response to their actions.  Take the time to tell your children that when their privileges are taken away or when they have to be spanked, you are not trying to torment them.  Remember, the purpose of discipline is for training and correction.

And fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (HCSB)

4.  BE AN ENCOURAGER
In the quarter of a century that I worked with teens, the biggest difference I notice among them was between those whose parents encouraged them and those whose parents ignored them.  A father’s encouragement cannot be replaced by any other source.  Dads in particular have a powerful impact on their children by giving or not giving appropriate praise.

As I’m writing this section, I’m reminded of a situation that occurred while I was coaching football for a living.  One of my players was on the phone in my office and I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation as the boy asked his dad if he would be at the game that night.  I remember the boy pleading, “But Dad, I’m starting tonight!”  Here was one of the great moments of this young man’s short life and his father wasn’t going to be there to share it.  There were other games, the player was good and played often throughout the rest of the season, but his father would never get that moment back.

5.  BE A MAN OF INTEGRITY

But let your word ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’ Anything more than this is from the evil one. Matthew 5:37 (HCSB) 

Be a promise maker and a promise keeper. Also, men need to walk their talk. Our children see who we are behind closed doors and in public.  What kind of example am I setting if I correct my child for stealing but bring packages of copy paper or ink cartridges home from work. Anything said about kindness and caring won't count in our children's eyes if they see us treating others badly.

FINAL NOTE:  

With Father's Day happening this weekend, I want to say that my Dad is all of these things.  

Thanks Dad for being a GREAT FATHER!